Ok, well I’ve been working my ass off at a new job for the last 9 months. It is a soul crushing shit job with great hours and better pay than I had at the job I loved.  I’ll get into the details later, suffice to say keeping your head down and working away only works for so long and then you lose it.

…anyway today I realized something that I knew but didn’t KNOW. Like knowing what love is and then you fall in love for real and realize you didn’t really know anything. My psychiatrist always says I have no resilience thus I need meds, therapy etc. Honestly, it has made me feel broken and weak to be told that but today I fully realized something, the reason I get “triggered” by movies, songs, books etc. isn’t because I’m not resilient but because while most people have size A emotional reactions I have DDDD size. If you use more gunpowder in a firecracker you get a bigger bang…that makes sense right?

I feel like people assume people with depression, anxiety and all the things are weak but you can’t tell me normal people feel as much and handle the magnitude of emotions that we do and still function at their best. It’s like a man telling a woman that labor pain isn’t that bad. How can you even pretend to know better than the person experiencing the thing!?  What if our lives are in full color while people without mood issues are in black and white?


I had to get this off my chest and out there so you can tell me what you think. I love you all and I’m so proud of all of us, we kick ass!!


These Finnish guys are my current obsession, enjoy!



I saw an article today talking about a way to sleep for 15 minutes and feel like you slept for eight hours and was intrigued. I assume they mean you feel fully rested and ready for a full day but what the hell does that feel like? I have had sleep issues my whole life, not being able to sleep or not being able to stay awake…either way I only feel rested and ready for a full day when I’m manic. Then I can’t sleep anyway so not sure that counts.

Is there anyone with BP that doesn’t have sleep problems? When I was married I wasn’t allowed to nap so I would curl up and hide somewhere to sleep, and often get caught and screamed at for it. When I go through a lot of stress if I sleep I bounce back faster but if I don’t I tend to get depressed or manic so my marriage was not a good time for me in a huge number of ways…wheee.

My eldest has moderate to severe depression and went through a time where she just couldn’t sleep…she was also suicidal and newly diagnosed. Thankfully she sleeps now but still goes through periods with very vivid dreams as do I. My youngest has some slight anxiety issues but is otherwise very healthy, she marvels at the fact that her sister and I dream all the time because she never remembers dreaming. If I understand the research correctly she sleeps more soundly and stays asleep so she never remembers dreams while her sister and I both have more interrupted sleep.

I also periodically have nightmares that scare the hell out of me, besides my eldest I don’t know anyone else who has nightmares…I feel so weird now.

I guess I’m babbling on about how non-normal I feel and how cool it would be to feel normal, sleep normal, think normal, dream normal…


THe Fog Recedes

Sometimes I think it is better not to see clearly, BP might be why I hate swimming anywhere but pools. With any body of water there is a danger of drowning and that makes me anxious but who the fuck knows what else is down there?!?! Sharks? Snakes? The kraken??

Anxiety is my constant companion now…now that I feel things again. At least I’m not as angry as I was, that really sucked. I don’t like to be negative and that was all that I could emote for a while.

I felt like acidic words just poured out of my mouth when I talked and my ex-husband didn’t help matters. I have obsessive thinking at times and the crap my ex uses to try and control our youngest child needs to be confronted and dealt with in some way but I’m weaponless against him. His money allows him to verbally and emotionally abuse our children and there is nothing I can do about it! If I say or do anything he takes me to court and tries to have me put in jail for contempt of court.

There are no laws protecting children from their parents unless there are witnesses willing to get involved and or documentation of physical harm. Making a gifted straight A student have anxiety attacks because she is afraid of what kind of retribution her father might visit on her, or me, because she wants to be able to study for finals and not be forced to spend the weekend before finals in a hotel room at a con her dad insisted that she go to as a “family” outing is kind of fucked up if you ask me…

AAAHH! I feel twitchy…I’ll try to get it together and actually say what I’m trying to say…maybe tomorrow. Hope the sun is shining on all of you just the right amount.




Treading The Same Old Path

BP cycling is just like bi-cycling…you never forget how. Right now I’m pausing to look around me and recognize the familiar sights of a down swing. Not sure how long it took me to notice I stopped smiling and found nothing very interesting but now that I look there it is! Being able to work is still new to me so I thought that if I could get up and go then I was healthy…granted I did wonder about the fact that if I have a day off I’ve felt like just sleeping until work the following day.  I work with kids that are mentally and physically disabled so there is a lot of physical labor in my job, which is good. So on my days off I tend to take it easy, I’m 44 and my co-workers are all in their 20’s so I’ve felt I deserve the break.

Yesterday was my day off and I got up and took a drive out into the country to an arboretum where my eldest and I enjoyed the lake there and hiked a little. (brought a tick home too ) This was huge, it is something that I enjoy and haven’t done for a very long time…I had no desire to do much of anything actually.

To be continued…gotta go to work 🙂





2016 Update!

Wow, time flies!

So what has been going on? Well, I’ve been working. Since my last post I’ve worked 40 hours a week at the group home I started at. I cut those hours in August and added being the bus aide on a special needs school bus. At that point, and for 7 months, I worked 7 days a week which was surprisingly anxiety soothing. I am back working 40 hours a week at the group home and officially I am a Certified Medication Aide…that means I can give the kids in my group home their medications. Yay.

I still don’t make very much at my job but I love it and I can work overtime to make enough…which is a sad comment on the pay rate at what was voted one of the top 5 companies to work for in 2015…sigh.

Anyway, mental health wise I’ve been all over the place in the last year. Right now I’m waiting for a med increase to lift the fog I’m in…apparently I have Seasonal Affective Disorder triggered by the warmer seasons. Yeah, I love cold weather but it would be nice to be able to enjoy the seasons on their own merits and not have my brain chemicals dictate 😦

Anxiety is always my companion but as I said above, working 7 days a week helped a ton. I made more money which helped plus I felt like I couldn’t do much more to control my world. Right now I have 2 days off between Monday and Friday and work every weekend. I’m not sure if it is not having consecutive days off or what but days off do not make me feel rested or happy…

Oh, I went in a month or so ago and had a check up.  My blood pressure is 110 over 80 and my cholesterol was normal without any meds so I’m happy there. My vitamin D level was one point above ricketts so I’m taking a shit load of supplements until I get it up to normal. Side effects can be depression, poor immune system activity, weak bones etc.. I’ve had strep A and a severe respiratory infection over the last 6 months or so, here’s hoping the vitamin D helps keep me from catching Everything and my mood lifts.   Wait, I broke my hand last summer in a car accident so my bones may need a little help there too, hmmm.

The world is mostly colorless right now but it isn’t black so I’m not doing too badly.  Blogging is a good way for me to examine things and make connections that are nearly slapping me in the face so I will try and update at least weekly again.  I wish I could get others with issues they live with every day to comment and discuss here.  I feel like some of you out there read blogs like I do but can’t engage or don’t feel like they belong so they don’t comment…as long as you don’t judge others you belong here so feel free.





The Road is Lonely

Wow, I survived a rather frugal but family and love filled Christmas season! It took me a while to bounce/crawl my way back to sea level but I made it and kept going. Just before Christmas I was hired by a local nonprofit to work in one of their group homes part-time. I had no idea what it really was but I took it, I needed it for lots of reasons.

I now work caring for 4 medically needy kids in the home they share. The kids are amazing, the co-workers are worth a blog just for them and good people too. Other than trying to get my daughter back home from school every Thursday everything has been a great. Her dad refused to bring her home after school, she really really did not want to spend 6 hours at his house, so I am paying a family friend to bring her home.

Anyone want to define the word father for my ex?

I feel so good about working even though it is a few hours every week I kind of belong somewhere! I’m good with the kids and so far am able to calm the one that has behavior issues. My youngest is somewhat jealous of my attachment to the kids at the house but she is getting better about it. I know she must be scared that the one parent she can count on might not always be there for her so I’m trying to reassure her. She is going to come and play cards with one of the kids, I want her to understand what human compassion is, that it is very important but could never replace my love for her.

I feel like I have really made some headway against my bipolar issues, I just wish that every time I am at my best I miss having someone in my life to share it all with. I also wonder what will happen when my little one, my non-depressive, leaves for college in 3 years. It is certainly going to be hard.

This time I am content to plan to find someone in the future and actually believe a little that it is possible. It sounds strange but even in my wildest dreams I know that I will always be a little volatile, I am very passionate about life and I would rather be alone forever than try to stop being the person that I am. By looking around it seems like the men of my age here are about as passionate about life as a depressed lemming. Just because you have a good job and a house doesn’t me you can skip having dreams!

I think looking for another person passionate about life may be asking too much in one of the biggest insurance/banking cities in the US. Well, I am crazy so I might as well prove it by hoping to find the equivalent of a unicorn. lol

I hope all of you are having a great new year. All my love!!

The shadow of doubt

Good news everyone!  My attorney talked my ex’s attorney into dropping the entire litigation mess!!  This is a very good thing, I was able to walk out of mediation without giving my ex a single concession, my attorney kicks ass and takes names! (do I sound happy about this?)

You would think I would be relieved and happy…I did finally collapse from exhaustion.  I wasn’t able to sleep for the couple days due to anxiety etc so I was REALLY tired. The weird thing is that I really haven’t felt much of anything about…anything.. for awhile.  I know I was dealing with a ton of anxiety but the depression kind of snuck up on me I guess?

These days I’m sleeping too much and have no interest in anything.  I over eat usually, when I’m depressed because I can’t feel full.  No satisfaction, never satiated, never enough or the right thing. I know my kids notice I’m not talking as much and that worries them…I usually like to discuss the news or what my youngest did in school but no words find their way to the front of my mind to be said.

I’m sure at least some of this is because I’ve humiliated my ex by making him drop his cases against me (he was working on two).  He spent money and didn’t get to hurt me…I know he is beyond furious.  I was afraid to walk out of the mediator’s office until I knew my ex was being kept there until I left.  Every time I’ve thwarted his plans (his plans to control/hurt) he has found a way to harm my peace of mind…usually it involves his threatening to take my youngest daughter away from me and or have me put in jail.  I know these threats are probably not going to happen but he is well funded and not above lying to his attorney to start a case against me…it scares me not knowing how much he will lie about to try and hurt me.  Worse, I don’t know where his anger issues will take him now…