Hi there, it has been quite awhile but I’ve found my way back to this place…I hope everyone is doing well and able to enjoy the holiday season.
My girls and I are settled into a new place across town from our old one, we are borderline urban rather than being in a suburb of a suburb. I’ve never lived this close into the center of any city and I really like it, it makes me want a downtown loft someday. As long as my dogs, bunnies and birds are ok with it anyway. Its funny, one of the best things is that there are different kinds of people here instead of just the German, Dutch, English, French people where we used to live. I look northern European like my mother but my heart lies closer to my Father’s Basque/Spanish heritage, by way of Santa Fe that is. I feel more comfortable here
Well, in July I was told my Medicaid benefits were a mistake and my insurance was taken away (Alimony counts double so I was asked to pay $440 a month to keep my insurance…that is out of my $900 a month) so I went off all my meds for a while…REALLY bad idea. I’m working my way back up to the correct dosages again and feeling quite a bit better, YAY! Withdrawal is bad but once that was over I found myself in a deep depression like I haven’t seen in years, I wasn’t suicidal…not outright any way, I was just losing my will to live, my kids were the only reason I had to try to go on instead of going to bed and never getting up again. I only realize I am in these bad places in an academic sort of way or not at all when they are happening, I even became irritable which is tough to do when you feel like you have no worth at all.
Fall/the holidays is my favorite time of year and I’m really trying to feel it this year even tho we have no money for gifts. Tonight the air is sharp and the grass and trees sparkle with frost, I took the dogs on a longer walk to enjoy the still beauty of this time of year. Honestly, global warming is a bane of my existence…I hate hot weather and winter gets a little less like the ones I love every year. I keep telling my brothers they need to move to the mountains or at least Minnesota but their families are rooted in Missouri where I could never live.
I’ve done all the garbage to get SSI but at the personal interview I was told I am too young to be approved…that I should get a job working my own schedule from home. I looked at the interviewer like SHE was crazy and asked her if she knew of any of those kind of jobs because everyone I’ve seen was just a scheme of some sort. She actually looked surprised that I had looked into that kind of job. I wanted to yell at the out of touch wack job that I’m bipolar not stupid. Oh, fyi, the woman who conducted the interview regarding my psychiatric status was a PHD in Education. She had the balls to flat out tell me I don’t look manic!! Maybe because I wasn’t at the time!?!?! Probably most likely because I carry extra weight since I started taking Effexor…maybe if I looked like a crack addict it would have worked for her?
I’ve been trying to get my sleep patterns normalized so I can be awake all day but it seems to be a very uphill battle so far. My sleep issues make me realize how weird I am more than anything else…I don’t remember being able to be wide awake all day every day.
I did stop eating any sugar substitutes (no more Diet Coke!!!) and I feel different, I don’t get as hungry (my clothes fit better) and my skin is flawless once again. I don’t know what all that stuff does to you but I am never going back! Coffee is my new best friend…Kcups drive me crazy!! One cup??? One cup at a time?!! I’m wishing I hadn’t purchased my Keurig when I had the money, I lament the barely used 12 cup coffee maker I gave away. Yes I do have the refillable Kcup basket, there is no way in hell I was ever going to pay that much for a box of Kcups that equal one pot of coffee.
Yeah, stream of thought typing is back! Even though I don’t hear from many people I did miss this place, it really is a refuge for my soul.