The shadow of doubt

Good news everyone!  My attorney talked my ex’s attorney into dropping the entire litigation mess!!  This is a very good thing, I was able to walk out of mediation without giving my ex a single concession, my attorney kicks ass and takes names! (do I sound happy about this?)

You would think I would be relieved and happy…I did finally collapse from exhaustion.  I wasn’t able to sleep for the couple days due to anxiety etc so I was REALLY tired. The weird thing is that I really haven’t felt much of anything about…anything.. for awhile.  I know I was dealing with a ton of anxiety but the depression kind of snuck up on me I guess?

These days I’m sleeping too much and have no interest in anything.  I over eat usually, when I’m depressed because I can’t feel full.  No satisfaction, never satiated, never enough or the right thing. I know my kids notice I’m not talking as much and that worries them…I usually like to discuss the news or what my youngest did in school but no words find their way to the front of my mind to be said.

I’m sure at least some of this is because I’ve humiliated my ex by making him drop his cases against me (he was working on two).  He spent money and didn’t get to hurt me…I know he is beyond furious.  I was afraid to walk out of the mediator’s office until I knew my ex was being kept there until I left.  Every time I’ve thwarted his plans (his plans to control/hurt) he has found a way to harm my peace of mind…usually it involves his threatening to take my youngest daughter away from me and or have me put in jail.  I know these threats are probably not going to happen but he is well funded and not above lying to his attorney to start a case against me…it scares me not knowing how much he will lie about to try and hurt me.  Worse, I don’t know where his anger issues will take him now…

 

What dreams may come

I wish I was stronger.  I’ve gotten through my severe anxiety fight or flight feelings and thought I was going to be ok but I guess that would be too easy.  I can’t seem to focus on my homework which is bad enough but I’m having dreams about my ex and his family every night.  I wake up feeling beaten…I can’t get him out of my mind even when I sleep! Even in my dreams they treat me like crap and i just take it like I deserve it!!!

I want to curl up and hide in my bedroom…maybe never come out. There was just an article in BP magazine/blog about the penchant of BP people to disappear from relationships, jobs etc due to depressive episodes (or something like that) and I realized I am right on the edge of that.  But how hard can I push to keep going to school and looking at the future without actually pushing too far and breaking? I don’t want to end up back at square one after having come so far towards being normal.

Oh, trying to keep from being angry has worked fairly well but I became really irritable at home yesterday which is not like me. I feel like as hard as I try to stay in control everything is slipping through my fingers. My ex is destroying me without even being in the same room.

AAAHHHHH!!!!!!!

It never ends

I would so like this to be a post of joy and accomplishment. I guess in some ways it is…I took online classes over the summer and got an A in one and a B in the other!  I proved to myself that I can make it through classes and do well.  I just wish all classes were 9 weeks long, it was intense for my first foray back but the length of the classes let me stop and take a break for 3 weeks which was nice.

This semester is going well except for professors who don’t put the “actual” due dates on their syllabus. *sigh*  Maybe I’m the only one who uses the due dates?? lol

My ex is suing me AGAIN.  He has filed contempt of court and requested to stop paying me alimony.  The contempt has possible jail time involved of  something like 6 years so you might say he isn’t playing nice at this point.  I did run across an article in Huffington Post about Narcissistic Personality Disorder that really rang true about my ex and pointed me to a book called ‘Its All Your Fault’ that has been very illuminating if a little late for me to read.  It is an interesting take on things since the author has been both a therapist and a practicing attorney.

In the most recent lawsuit I’ve spent $1000 I didn’t have to spare to retain a really amazing attorney so I am feeling a little less scared as hell.  Every time I have to deal with my ex I have an anxiety reaction but when he goes crazy and sues me it is much much much worse.  I’ve been able to function just fine with no anxiety meds for about 9 months which keeps me from being too groggy to concentrate on things but over the last 2 weeks since he filed I’ve been shaking, hot, my heart races…I’m in flight mode all the fucking time.  I hate that he can make me feel like this, I want to be stronger than this!!

The outside world doesn’t understand bipolar and anxiety so at first I tried to be really open and tell everyone and explain.  I was told by my previous University that I had to tell all my professors so I have at the one face to face class I’m taking now.  She actually took a step back away from me when I told her I am BP and she has a Masters of Social Work!  She is very nice to me but that first reaction from her felt like a punch to the gut. My diagnosis is apparently a threat?

Anyway, I’m thinking of starting a GoFundMe for my legal defense.  I don’t know if anyone would help but it is all I can think of.  If I win my counter suits my ex will have to pay me back for everything but $10,000 is a lot to initially shell out when your income is just over $11,000 a year.  I’m so fucked.

Here is my new favorite song.  Namaste.

 

Weird how things work…

Medicaid update…STILL NOT APPROVED.  Apparently the “new systems” they are using won’t allow them to approve me…no reason, just won’t let the social worker hit approve button.  I was told that in a week or so they should have gotten back to her about how to fix the problem.  She seemed a little nervous when I told her I’m bipolar and off my meds…maybe because I have her full name and she is in the local office (evil laughter here).  Everyone seems to think bipolar = violent…if she were a churro or a cream filled doughnut then she might have reason to be afraid of me!  Those are my favorite treats on earth!

 

Well, I’m not entirely off my meds…taking really low dose so I don’t become incapacitated from withdrawal.   Funny thing is that I know I’m not completely ok but I feel good.  I’ve been drinking Green Machine, that fruit and veg juice, instead of two meals a day and I feel hungry but good.  My anger is in control and I’m not as near a depression as I was even with the newest ex-hubby problems.  I guess eating mostly fruits and veggies helps clear the mind??

 

Most recently my ex has stopped payments he agreed to instead of carrying insurance for the kids (which makes him in contempt of court but the attorney I talked to said it would cost me more money that it would be worth to take it to court).  He also just came back from India where he spent a week or so working and a week or so on vacation with his girlfriend.  Upon his return he decided that he was going to charge me with a felony (no idea) if I didn’t pay him $6000 or $7000 because he decided he shouldn’t have had to pay anything to me for insurance even though we had a signed agreement about it. WTF?!?!?  I still don’t get it.

Some of his motives might have to do with the fact that he wants to buy a house for himself and his girlfriend “really soon”.  I filed a motion with the courts to make him pay towards our eldest child’s college so I’m waiting for the shit to hit the fan and have him try to kill me or something.  He will do something I know but there is nothing I can do until he strikes…if I weren’t so mellow these days it would probably send me over the edge but I’m meditating daily and it really helps me release the turmoil I used to lock inside.

BITCH FEST

My TMJ has been bothering me a lot as has the tooth I broke in December but without insurance there isn’t anything I can do for the TMJ and I don’t really want to go to a free dentist for a major issue…kinda worries me.  I’m not getting call backs on jobs I’ve applied for, I’m thinking they may be looking at my FB page and finding my posts about bipolar and “losing” my application,  and I was waiting to start my business until I was medicated again but I’m going to just put out fliers and see how that goes.  Oh, the tv died today so I need to order a $100 part to fix it but I don’t even have that much for the rest of the month so that gets to wait…  DONE

 

I’m just so freaking done with all this crap.  I’m not depressed though, just kind of bowing to this world of shit and hoping it doesn’t break me.

 

 

 

 

Down we go…

Right now I wish normal people would have to go through this descent into hell so that they would have a glimmer of an idea as to what it is like to be crazy.  I was dreading night coming on…everyone is asleep and and I can feel depression hiding in the corners waiting for me.  I’m realizing that when I’m feeling good the world is very solid, where I walk there is traction so that I move forward instead of slipping and sliding and spinning when the world softens around me.  Without my meds everyday is a run through a maze never knowing where I might end up…

I’m holding on as hard as I can to the rope that keeps me on the REAL path rather than wandering off into the wild.  Right now there is a switch in my head that is either on normal or on hopeless.  The switch wants to flip but I’m holding it on normal with all my strength.  I can feel the ghost tears running down my face and the echo of the ache in my chest that will be there when I lose my grip.  I know what it is going to feel like and I know it will be like taking a step off a precipice…fine and then not.

 

Boring can be good…

Well, I haven’t posted much for awhile for one very good reason.  I found normal…I think.  I found myself at a point where I could get up every damned day and get my kids to school and then…boredom.

BOREDOM!  I wasn’t sleeping during the day and I wasn’t swinging hi and lo…I just wanted something to do with my time so I stepped up my job search.  I felt comfortable with changing my life because I felt stable and I needed a change.  No one wanted to hire me of course but hey…

I even fell on the ice and gave myself a mild concussion and after about a week and the headaches subsided mostly I was ready to DO something with my time.

THEN, my youngest child told me she was sick when I picked her up from school.  She had a 103 degree fever which lasted for 10 DAYS!  First thought it was flu then Dr said it was strep then 2 days later while the fever was 103.8 an xray showed it was pneumonia.  It took two weeks but she was able to return to school and a month after that she has mostly stopped coughing.  She did have a bit of an allergic reaction to her antibiotics but she got through it and is now mall walking with me.

After battling for my little girl’s health I decided to start looking at hiring myself out to do errands, cook, pet care etc..  I could work on my own terms that way, mostly anyway.  It is a frightening idea for me to put myself out there and see if anyone will respond to my fliers.  I keep revising the design and questioning myself…I decided to just do it when I found out my application for medicaid had been lost in the system or canceled.

I applied in December directly to my local office and called to check on the status of my app several times and then it just didn’t exist anymore.  That was kind of the last straw….I’m out of meds and out of the bag of samples my Dr could get me and my new application for medicaid, which I filed as soon as I finally heard back from my caseworker that I had no existing application, is still processing.

I don’t believe in fate or luck, this kind of shit just happens…but it makes me sad.  I’m dizzy and forgetful right now…I can’t remember names of things.  I’m sad because I’ve done everything I was supposed to and there is no one I can even file a complaint with or explain that this is a problem because no one is willing to be responsible.

I get to watch myself sink back into the swamp of confusion, anxiety, and mood swings until I don’t remember there is another way to live.  Maybe I’ll get “lucky” and by some amazing chance my medicaid will be approved before I’m lost again.  Maybe I’ll get to start my business….fuck.

 

I hate being angry

I thought I was almost at an arrangement with my ex for some help towards our eldest’s living expenses.  Then, our younger daughter spent the weekend with him and comes home upset because her dad and his parents spent an entire dinner badmouthing me and her sister.  Apparently I am just begging for money to throw away.  Less than $2000 a month for 3 people to live on is tight in the best of times where we live.  Rent is about half of that which leaves the 3 of us living la vida loca!!

I swear only that family could blow off the fact that it is going to be a hard Christmas this year.  I became so angry I started to cry while I was driving and almost thew up.   I’m just so ANGRY!  I finally got a call from the non-profit I applied to and once my background checks are done I’m getting at least 2 evenings a week…about $160 which will help greatly.  Of course, even though the ex works near our youngest’s school and lives in the same suburb we do he won’t drive our youngest to school or pick her up because it would inconvenience him.  So I’m on my own with finding a way to get her home when I work evenings because I can’t work mornings…6 am to 2…because arriving at work by 7:45 or 8 am is just too awkward for the ex. :( Aawww.

I’m so pissed I’m so pissed I’m so pissed!!!

I emailed my ex mother-in-law some bitter truths…like the fact that her son has been known to scream at her until she cries for asking how he is doing.  That is a big fucking elephant in the room to ignore!  They are mad and hurt by my eldest not wanting to let them control her with their money but their son is SUCH A GREAT PERSON!!

My book needs to really take off or I need to find the energy to write a better one so I can let my ex ruin any hope of his kids putting him in a decent retirement home and not have to deal with him anymore!!

My anger has me shaking and there is no way in hell I’m going to be able to sleep.  I want to scream!!

I need this….